Postpartum

“Birth is so hard”. “You are going to be in so much pain”. “Do not get the epidural”. “It is way worse than cramps”.

I heard it all during my pregnancy. From one person to the next. I heard all the stories, all of the things that could go wrong. I listened. I never worried about giving birth. I just didn’t. I had so much faith that God will take care of me, and he did. One thing that shocks me so much is that no one warned me of the after math. Below are only a couple of things that really went from bad to worst during my postpartum.

I was in so much pain afterwards. Your hormones are through the roof after birth. Quite frankly, a simple stare at a wall would’ve had me balling. I got a hematoma during labor and was in extreme pain. Because of this, the doctors decided to keep me on the epidural longer. As a result, my legs and feet swelled up horribly. I couldn’t bend over, must less shower myself. My legs and feet felt like rock. I was like this for over two weeks. It hurt to go to the restroom- the pain must’ve lasted a good month or so.
As a first time mom, you don’t know what is normal and what is not. I was confused and panicked. Is her breathing normal? is that the right color of poop? Why is she making those noises? is my breast milk enough to fill her up?? I questioned everything! Trust me, it is too exhausting!!
Aside from that, I felt like I went through a slight depression. I had just had the most beautiful baby in my arms, shouldn’t I feel happy?!? A lot of times, I felt alone. Carl would go off to work and I would stay home, all.day.long. My mom would come over and bring back my sanity, but sometimes that was not enough. Here I was a first time mom with a baby that cried most of the time, a baby that needed me every second of the day. It was hard to adjust in the beginning, it really was. When Carl would come home, I would cry. I wanted to go outside, I wanted to have fun out. It was in the middle of the scorching summer heat and I wanted to enjoy myself. That is not the case when you have a baby. You don’t come first anymore; the baby did. I remember very vividly a particular occasion of what I mean: Julianna was a few weeks old and I have been complaining to Carl that I have wanted to go to the beach to walk. On a Saturday afternoon, we went to Long Beach to take a stroll, got dressed up nicely, and was very excited to finally go out. As soon as we got to the beach, Julianna threw up all over my dress. I started to cry… It was just an emotional roller coaster for me. (We went back home that day, but came back the following day; I still got my way :))
What is wrong with my baby??? One night Julianna cried and cried so much we figured that if we went out on a car ride, she would surely fall asleep. We had done that before and it had worked. Here we were, at midnight in our pajamas driving around hoping she would fall asleep. She didn’t – she cried a lot more. It wasn’t until way after we got back home that she calmed down.
I’m upset with my baby and away?? When it was time to go back to work, I thought it was going to be easier. It wasn’t. I had just spent the last 3 months being with Julianna literally 24/7. Now I was away from her more than 8 hours. It was horrible. I felt so sad all the time. I even wanted to quit. I wanted to run away. I missed her terribly. I thought I was going to miss out on everything. I felt like I was supposed to be the only one with her. I needed to hold her, I needed to feed her. That wasn’t the case. After about 4 months, I slowly started feeling better. But even today I still wish I could spend more time with her. I really try to take advantage of my weekends her and Carl.

I am writing this because I know I have not been the only one to go through this. I know a lot of woman have been through this, if not worse. You are not alone. It is something that feels like it will never go away. It does, I promise it does. It will take time, but as the days pass, you will feel a better person and mother as well.

Motherhood is one of the most rewarding jobs but also one of the hardest I will do as well. You go through every emotion you can possibly go through when you become a mother. You go through all the fears, all of the joys, all of the laughter’s, all of the cries, all of the stress. No matter what, your little baby is your world. I would do anything to protect Julianna, to guide her, to make her feel safe. She is my life; I am nothing without her. From her first babble, her first breast feeding, her fist smile, her every first, it is an accomplishment not only for her but for you as well. A bond is created in such a way it is overwhelming. My love for her is so big it hurts. It is a pain of pure love. I wouldn’t trade this experience for the world. Motherhood has changed me. I will never be the same person and I thank her for that. She has changed me into someone better… Someone that looks at the world with different eyes.